Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
