He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
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am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
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Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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