K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
