On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
