I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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