I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I wear drunk well.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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