Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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