I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
