I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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