You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑