my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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