I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
