You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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