Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
