my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Randomize
