well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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