tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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