I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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