I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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