I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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