I need help removing her.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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