Apparently you make a good broom.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
