I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
