Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
