The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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