I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
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last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
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I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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