so that wasnt chicken after all
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
