So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
