just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
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