did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
