So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
