The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
