I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
