guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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