Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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