my mouth tastes like poor choices
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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