So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
