she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
he quoted the bible to break up with me
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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