i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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