I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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