Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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