I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
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I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
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Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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