you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
