I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
