Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
