i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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