Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
