Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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