One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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