Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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