Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
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Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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