I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
