i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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