sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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