She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
