Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
