I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
